Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
