When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
