meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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