Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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