Soap is not a condiment
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
