There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
In America we eat man semen.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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