I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
