This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
