I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
