alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
