Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
