these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
