please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
