Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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