"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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