Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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