Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
