If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
