I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
