i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
