my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
