I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
