oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
