If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
