My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
