i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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