thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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