I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
