I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
