I wish my penis had an off switch
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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