He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
