Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
my poor anus
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
