you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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