I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
