Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
