So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
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