she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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