Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
