I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
