I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
