i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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