textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
soo... how was my night?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
