you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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