I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
