when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
