She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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