OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just threw up on my dentist
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
