Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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