Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
