well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
