then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
